I try so hard to make good things happen for myself...yet for some reason when I try everything comes crashing down around me. All I want is to be happy. To be able to face the world with a smile on my face that isn't painted or pretend. To have someone to love me and hold me and kiss me and give a damn about me. Am I not allowed to have ANY of that?

So much has happened in my life since the beginning of the year...just one huge roller coaster ride of emotions.

I'll give the Coles Notes version.

Still in love with guy mentioned in journal three posts previous. Started dating another guy in an effort to get over that guy. Lost my job. Broke up with guy i was dating due to inability to get over guy mentioned in journal three posts previous. Agreed to stay friends, and did so for a month before he got mad at me for no reason at all and has since stopped talking to me. Realized I was depressed and on the verge of suicide and couldn't handle stress living with my mother. Moved in with guy I'm in love with mentioned three posts previous, and am still dealing with feelings for him while trying to keep put of his way and not to make him feel pressured by them. Am applying at as many jobs as possible but no one is getting back to me. Now the co op that I lived in at my moms is saying that I owe them for Novembers rent because my mom failed to notify them that i was moving out.

And that's only what I can remember.

I'm not sure how much more stress and anxiety i can take T.T